Saturday, September 5, 2009

How NOT to Say Your Sorry



I have recently witnessed several people, who will remain nameless but don't deserve it, issue apologies that I found to be appalling. Is it possible that "Saying Your Sorry" has become a lost art form? Do peoples parents no longer teach them how to feel true remorse and issue heart felt apologies?

As a lover of knowledge I thought we should start with the definition of remorse - a sense of deep regret and guilt for something one did (from thefreedictionary.com). That definition includes the words regret and guilt, two words that seem to evade us in our society today. It seems that lots of people are only sorry when they get caught - regret and guilt do not even come into the equation until they are caught. The words from "Take a Bow" by Rhianna come to mind "Don't tell me your sorry cause your not, Baby when I know your only sorry you got caught."

I thought I would list several things not to say or do when you are apologizing:
1. Do Not use the word "but" in an apology. As in "Honey I am so sorry that I backed over your cat but if you hadn't let it go outside it wouldn't have happened."
2. Do Not blame someone else for your actions in your apology. Same example as #1.
3. Do Not rationalize your actions in your apology. As in "Sir I am sorry I ran into your car. If Chevrolet put better brakes on these vehicles it wouldn't have happened." Wow it is amazing how much that sounds like blaming someone else (#2). If I had used the word but in the sentence I could have covered points 1, 2 & 3.
4. Never ever ever ever start an apology with "I know you want me to apologize so...."
5. Probably the single most irritating mistake that people make when apologizing is the tone they use. There are two extremely different meanings when someone says "Sorry" in a remorseful tone than when they say "SORRY" in a harsh hard loud tone. If you don't believe me just ask a child.

I know that you could probably add many items to this list and I look forward to your comments. So now what? I hope you are thinking about how you present your apologies. It seems to me that it is pretty easy. I think that apologies without remorse do more damage than good. Do not insult the other person with a bogus apology. If you can truly say you are feeling regret and guilt, thus remorse, an apology should be straight forward. Say you are sorry, take full responsibility for your actions, assure the wronged party that you have learned from your mistake and will not do it again.  Most of all mean what you say!

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